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The Oppositional Child Borrowed from "The Bottom Line," 1992
The oppositional child is a source of frustration and bewilderment to parents. He/She is consistently aggressive, argumentative, uncooperative and in conflict with others - especially parents, teachers and other authority figures. Yelling does not help, reasoning does not seem to help, threats of punishment may be ignored, actual punishment does not seem to bother him/her; therefore, parents may wind up feeling as though nothing they do will make a difference.
The child's point of view The key to dealing with the oppositional child is to see the world the way the child sees it. People of any age want to have control over their own lives. Control helps us feel that our lives are ordered, predictable and secure. While children feel that they have very little control in a world run by adults - some of them seize control aggressively and other by being overly dependent. Oppositional children go after control assertively and forcefully, by manipulating the emotions of others. They may not be able to take away their parents' car keys or send them to their room, but they can enrage and frustrate them. That is why angry confrontations make the problem worse, the child has won by causing parents to focus their emotional energy on him/her.
Parents want to be in control Parents tend to try to control children by force, overpowering them, out-arguing them, or trying to reason them into seeing things the their way. But using force with an oppositional child actually reinforces his/her behavior. You may wind up with a noisy turf battle and the child continues to control the emotional atmosphere of the home. Trying to reason with the child is equally ineffective. Kids are smart, and they can see that the parent is emotionally invested in bringing them around to their point of view. This only reinforces the child's sense of control.
Dealing with the oppositional child Paradoxically, we can actually have much more control by recognizing the child's need for control. When the child feels understood, he/she is more likely to come over to our side. This does not mean stepping aside and letting the child "do his/her own thing." Children are inexperienced in the ways of the world and need guidance. By virtue of age, wisdom and experience, parents are the natural leaders in the home. But leadership is demonstrated more effectively through communication than force. A wise leader solicits and takes into account the needs and desires of each family member, then makes the final decision. Understanding is not the same as agreement. You do not have to approve of what your child is doing, but if you understand what motivates his/her behavior, you will be less likely to act in ways that encourage it.
Tactics That Do Not Work:
What parents can do Control their emotions. The parent needs to develop a sense of detachment from the child's difficult behavior. That does not mean hiding your emotions, that would be impossible. It does mean allowing your child the room to make his/her own mistakes.
Set clear, consistent boundaries. Rather than guiding by giving orders, offer choices that indicate the limits of behavior. Let the child know ahead of time which behaviors will result in punishment and what those consequences will be. Avoid excessively harsh or aggressive punishment. Do not ever punish when you are not in control of your emotions.
Read between the lines. Kids are not skilled in verbal communication. It is often difficult for them to put what they feel into words. Often it is through their behavior that they express what is going on inside. With practice, parents can learn to cut through the offensive behavior and respond to the emotions beneath. |