Achieving
Intimacy In Life
Learning To Develop Lasting Relationships
Original Publication: Outlook Fall 2000
Keys To Returning Intimacy To Your Marriage | Five A's of Relationships
Communication is defined as an act or process of transmitting or exchanging information through a common system of signs, symbols, or behavior. It seems like a simple process, but for millions of people, communication is a difficult if not almost impossible skill.
Communication is necessary to establish intimacy in a marriage. There are two primary forms of communication: verbal and non-verbal. The problem occurs because sometimes what you say is not what you want to say. Therefore, it is not just what you say, but how you say it that formulates a true communication.
Problem solving in an intimate relationship, such as marriage, requires effective communication. Effective communication in marriage means that there must be a speaker, a listener (not just a hearer), and a message.
There are four types of intimacy in a marriage relationship: mental intimacy, physical intimacy, spiritual intimacy and emotional intimacy.
Mental Intimacy is a process of two minds working as one. It is being like-minded, or having the same purpose or goal. Mental intimacy is best described by the acronym
L.O.V.E.
L-Listen
O-Overlook and Forgive
V-Value Each Other
E-Express Love
This form of intimacy only grows through communication, which creates a better understanding of each other.
Mental intimacy is difficult because communication is difficult; however, it is vital to remember that love is a choice, commitment is a decision, and success is a matter of the mind first and the heart second. Mental intimacy is a thought process that realizes that the needs of your spouse should be more important than your own. There is a word for that, it is service.
Physical Intimacy is the actual touch between spouses. More than just sex, physical intimacy is a touch of tenderness, warmth and kindness. It is a process in growing intimacy not the end result. Kindness means to have sympathy or affection for something, in this case your spouse.
As Gandhi stepped aboard a train one day, one of his shoes slipped off and landed on the track. He was unable to retrieve it as the train was moving. To the amazement of his companions, Gandhi calmly took off his other shoe and threw it back along the track to land close to the first. Asked by a fellow passenger why he did so, Gandhi smiled, “The poor man who finds the shoe lying on the track will now have a pair he can use.”
Simply, kindness is love in action. It produces a feeling of safety and closeness. It shows that you care. Kindness is sharing care.
Spiritual Intimacy is a bonding of the deepest level of the individual. It is a true change from a “me versus you” to an “us” attitude. This is done through a personal commitment to each other and the moral and spiritual absolutes of the marriage vows. It is a building up of faith in one another because of the spiritual commitment.
Developing a spiritual intimacy requires a commitment to God that will keep you faithful to your mate. It is a protection against temptation and doubt, an assurance that what was right then continues to be right now. A strong spiritual basis is a foundation for a positive self-image, which allows the individual to commit with all their heart and all of their mind to their spouse.
Like all other forms of intimacy, it is not an insulation against the problems of life. Instead, spiritual intimacy is a fore-knowledge that life together will include several rapids in the river of life. Pat Riley stated that we should all remember the rule of the river: “If you are floating down the river in a boat, and hit treacherous white water and fall over board . . . you must become an active participant in your own rescue.”
Emotional Intimacy is the process of sharing your thoughts, feelings and experiences with your spouse in and open and honest way. This level of intimacy requires the greatest risk because you will be vulnerable to the possibility of rejection. But, when the three aforementioned levels of intimacy are being pursued, then there is freedom to have emotional intimacy. At this level of intimacy, trust is the backbone. Intimacy must constantly be maintained and emotional intimacy is the key to keeping love alive. There are ten vital signs to keeping love alive; they include:
Love is kept alive by how we say it.
Love is kept alive by caring enough to listen.
Love is kept alive when two people realize they do not always have to be right.
Love is kept alive in patience.
Love is kept alive in an atmosphere of constructive and positive reinforcement.
Love is kept alive by demonstrating common courtesy.
Love is kept alive in a mutual give and take!
Love is kept alive when we seek to eliminate angry episodes.
Love is kept alive with short memories of evil and long memories of good.
Love is kept alive in a never ending commitment to love.
Together, these form the basis of keeping love alive in almost any circumstance. Will they always work? Unfortunately nothing works for all situations, but if they are the foundation for your relationship they will be sound.
Author Gary Smalley suggests at least five secrets to a healthy marriage:
Get rid of anger and keep it at the lowest possible level. Unresolved anger will fester and grow until it erupts and spews poison on those closest to you.
Get rid of anger and keep it at the lowest possible level.
Strive to shed bad habits you learned as a child. When I grew up, my father hogged all the best fishing holes. But until my children pointed out what I was doing, I did not realize I was repeating his mistake. When loved ones point out your shortcomings, resolve to listen instead of reacting defensively. Do not set unrealistic expectations for your marriage. At some point, every couple does this. They fantasize about wonderful changes magically occurring at the alter. When that does not happen, they get disillusioned. Unfulfilled expectations are the source of frustration, anger and stress. The more you concentrate on enriching your mate the fewer expectations (and grudges) you will nurse. Accept your spouse as a flawed human being, the same as yourself. Recognizing your own humanity will help you recognize your mate’s imperfections. Realizing we do not have to be perfect allows us to lighten up, honestly share our feelings, and not expect another person to fulfill a role we cannot play ourselves. Do not be afraid of doing this; admitting my flaws is how I make my living. Commitment. This elementary value is obviously scarce today. There were times in our first five years together when I wondered if I had made the right choice. But our desire to make it last has brought my wife and I great joy. It is not easy to get there, but it is well worth the effort.
As you well know, nothing in life that is worthwhile is easy. In fact, the more difficult or risky something is, the greater the potential reward.
Obtaining and maintaining intimacy is not an easy task, nor is it developed quickly. It needs to grow naturally over time and through constant communication between partners. Intimacy cannot occur when the participants are more interested in being secure with themselves. Intimacy involves clear and direct communication of each other’s intent in the relationship. Tell each other what you expect(ed) in the relationship. Tell about the good and bad, but always end on the positive attributes of your partner without verbally attacking. A nurturing and loving relationship breeds intimacy.
Intimacy can be blocked by the greatest fear in a relationship, rejection. Everyone has suffered rejection at some point in their life. Likewise, your partner has also experienced some form of rejection during their life. The only way to overcome this fear it to take a risk. By taking this risk you will open yourself to the greatest possibilities of your relationship. Take it slowly, let intimacy build as you get to know your partner more.
Key Principles to Return Intimacy
If your marriage is not the most important relationship in your life, reevaluate your
priorities.
Rather than attempting to control your feelings, work on controlling your thoughts and
actions, thereby affecting how you feel.
Make a list of the satisfactory aspects of your marriage. See if anything you consider
absolutely essential is missing. If so, examine yourself, and if appropriate, discuss it
with your spouse.
Make sure you are getting sufficient food, exercise, and sleep—otherwise, you will
not have enough energy for intimacy.
Sex is easy. Intimacy is much more involved and takes greater time and energy.
The central feature of intimacy is not emotional or physical; it is commitment.
Emotional discomfort, whether fear or dissatisfaction, is usually a healthy indicator that
something with you, your spouse, and your relationship would benefit from some attention
and improvement.
Although problems with intimacy can affect feelings of self-worth, the fact of your
inherent, God-given worth remains unchanged.
The Five A’s of Relationships
Affirm. Communicate how much you love your mate.
Assert. Honestly and calmly share your feelings and respect his/hers.
Agree. Agree on what you can. Celebrate your agreements.
Accept. Agree to disagree. Crystallize where you disagree and respect
opposing views. Diversity can be good.
Appreciate. Verbalize your love for your partner.