For children, the blending of two families may not be an easy process. There is no instant love, and adjusting to the new relationship takes time. Although the adults have fallen in love and decided to be together, the children may not desire the stepfamily situation. Time will be necessary to adjust to the loss of the former family structure and to accept the new situation.

The conflicts and tensions which all families experience are complicated in stepfamilies because of unclear roles and multiple relationships. In addition, there are problems unique to step parenting. The absent parent, living or dead can be a source of tension. Emotional arguments may arise about the family budget, differences in life styles and “his, her, your” children.

Family Changes. With the changes taking place in the new household, children and some things need to remain the same. Keeping the daily schedule the same can help add continuity to a changing family structure. Do not make unnecessary changes.

Leadership. Prior to remarriage, children need ample opportunity to get to know the future stepparent. The children’s feelings should be considered but they should not be allowed to make the decision about the remarriage. This is a decision for the adults involved. The children should be allowed, but not forced, to participate in some of the decisions about the marriage and new life-style.

Loyalty. Do not expect instant loyalty in the stepfamily. Children have the right to continue their loyalty to their biological parents as they accept their stepparents. Everyone’s adjustment will be much better if the goal is to develop all of the relationships without pitting one against another.

Laughter. All families are strengthened by enjoyable times together, but for step parenting it is crucial. Many children indicate that they did not ask for a stepparent. They may resent the fact that this additional person disrupts the space, time, and attention they shared with their parents. One of the best ways to combat these negative feelings is to increase the quantity and quality of the time each adult spends with the children.

Learning. By learning together, stepparents and stepchildren can strengthen their relationship. However, stepparents must be very careful not to interfere with the parents’ role as teacher. Sometimes stepparents want to teach things differently from the way the child was taught by the parent. This places the child’s loyalty in conflict. One way to avoid this is to teach only what the child asks to be taught.

Love. New roles and relationships can heighten competition for love and attention. Children need to know that all of the relationships have value even though they are different. The stepparent may be compared with the absent parent; tested and manipulated. Parent and stepparent need to discuss things rather than retreat from the challenge. Stepchildren need the security of fairness. Rearing children is tough; rearing someone else’s children is even tougher. Love takes time, effort and patience from everyone.

The following are suggestions for successful step parenting:

• Provide neutral territory. If your budget allows, consider moving into a new home.

• Don’t try to fit a preconceived role. Be yourself.

• Set limits and enforce them. The parent and stepparent need to work out disciplinary actions in advance, and then support each other when the rules are being enforced.

• Allow an outlet for children’s feelings about the natural parent. The children will maintain affection for their natural parent. Do not take this personally.

• Expect ambivalence. Feelings of love and hate by the stepchild may change every few hours, or few days.

• Avoid mealtime misery. Mealtime can be laden with emotions of “how it used to be.” Try to make this time as peaceful as possible.

• Don’t expect instant love.

• Don’t take all the responsibility. The children have some, too. There are two people involved in any relationship. Therefore, if things are less than perfect, don’t take all the guilt.

• Be patient. The first few months, or years, may have difficult periods.

• Maintain the privacy of the marital relationship. A solid stepfamily relationship is based on a strong marital relationship. Blending a family takes time and patience. Like any other family unit, however, it too can be healthy and strong.

Return to Top of Page